To my younger self

As I was learning more about who I was in the process of healing and reflecting back on the times where I had felt deep pain, I’d realised that my childhood and adolescent years were not as “good” as I had remembered them. 

There were definitely many happy times, like the times I'd have sleepovers at my best friend's house watching scary movies from underneath a blanket eating chocolate. All the afternoons falling into evenings as my friends, siblings and I were rollerblading and riding our bikes in the streets until mum called us all in for dinner. I remember seeing Christmas lights every year with my mum and siblings & i fondly remember when I would be playing tea-cups or with barbie dolls with my little sister (even though she was still too little to even sit up in a chair). 

I love and cherish all of these memories with friends & family; however, I had reached a point where i was no longer shielding myself from, or lying about the feelings of neglect and abandonment I’d also experienced throughout my life. Everything hits differently when you decide to be 100% honest with yourself and I knew this needed to come to the surface only to pour out of me in tears, anger and heartbreak. 

Once I began writing and journaling about these experiences, it just flowed.. As i was uncovering more of the same patterns and behaviours I mentioned previously, all of a sudden my adulthood experiences all made sense. My behaviours had become obvious and the patterns became clear.

It was here, in these spaces where I met my inner child,who I refer to as “ Little Ash”.

Through the modality I now use with my own clients, Self Directed Healing; I met her at almost every age up to about 14 again and felt her big feelings with her. We acknowledged her pain after all of this time after I’d been shutting her out and shoving those feelings aside. She finally had space, all the space in the world to tell me what she was feeling, what she needed – which was just two things.. Little Ash wanted to feel Love and Safety.

Little Ash brought forward all the times I had created beliefs about myself; when she was going through the rejection she felt when dad left at age 6. Here she felt like men couldn’t be trusted, they would always leave her and that she’s not good enough for him. (“Him then became every man thereafter). 

She showed me when she felt bullied in school and at home by her siblings, where she learned not to be herself. Her perception of all of this here is that her feelings dont matter and that if she did express anger, she would hurt people, which for her was the ultimate punishment.

She shed light on the emotional abuse I experienced across multiple relationships throughout our life, and all I knew what to do about was write out how I felt in a journal. I wrote about it because 1) I didnt know how to communicate my feelings and 2) I never felt worthy of taking up any space – in family environments, friendship circles or within said relationships. My pain was felt alone. 

Little Ash was terrified of everything and everyone. I had walls around my heart that were so high, Little Ash couldn’t reach over to let me know that she needed me. I rejected her too. 

In every healing session, I would feel that the pain in her heart was immeasurable, but so was the love she still had, the beauty she still sees in me and everything, like EVERYTHING around her. Her face lit up when she would see me, when I would hold her. 

Each session was incredibly eye opening to me. I got to witness myself in my most vulnerable moments and provide the love and support that I needed at the time but didnt know how to communicate to anyone else.

Simply having this new awareness and understanding of the communication barriers has been so positively impactful to my current relationships. Inner child healing isn't meant to be easy but, as this part of you begins to open up and you uncover the differences in perception & experience this little child had, it can completely transform your beliefs today. Powerful stuff!