Self love pathway - Series Pt4: What don't you like about yourself?

How can you truly embody self-love if you will only choose to see, hear, feel and love the “good parts”? 

It's true that we cannot only love ourselves for the nice, positive traits we have. We have to compassionately accept and love the hate, nastiness & weaknesses that exist.  To know more of who we are increases confidence and self esteem, it helps build better relationships with others (and with more compassion), plus - I know of many people (myself included) who even discover hidden talents through the discovery & love of all the parts of themselves.

For years I was a people pleaser and hyper-critical of myself - it was ingrained in me at a young age to be the good girl, always polite and pleasant to everyone. I remember that I had to be the bigger person and apologise first or just let poor behaviour go for the sake of family, public image or whatever suited those around me. I was “punished” for expressing anger and so I learnt pretty quickly that it was “bad” to show my true feelings. In adult romantic relationships it was the same story, only my anger now would come out in explosive bursts of rage. I hated who I had become in those moments when I was angry, but that was only because I'd been conditioned to be ashamed of it, on top of not being shown how to express it in a healthy way.

In one of my earliest Self Directed Healing sessions I felt stuck in anger. I was processing childhood memories & the anger was so deep that it felt like I would never release it. The practitioner then asked me while I was in the emotional release experience, to feel into and express exactly how this anger has been serving me…Immediately I was able to bring compassion and understanding to this part of me and the situation. I felt the emotion from a new perspective; actually respecting my anger and could relate differently to my inability to express it or feel it in a healthy way. 

There is an inner critic, perfectionist, people pleaser or some other physical, mental or emotional part of us that we may not be proud of. I’m not encouraging myself to get angry or feel rage just because I now understand why I feel it and how to feel it but, I no longer feel ashamed of it. The negative attachment and perception is no longer there. 

The same can be said for the good parts that we are ashamed of, or feel too embarrassed to share. We can find it hard to celebrate the goodness within us & our achievements as much as we try to hide our weaknesses and mistakes. True self acceptance is recognising ALL of our attributes & actions without the harsh judgement.

This was by far the hardest part of the self-love journey. The inner critic, inner perfectionist and inner people pleaser wants to s continue the same narrative in order to feel safe. You can learn to create safety and radical acceptance for all parts through regular emotional healing, learning how to regulate the nervous system with somatic practices, mindset work and so much deep love for it all to integrate fully.

The results of your level of Self acceptance is not always tangible however you will begin to notice the transformation in different ways, for example: 

All of these practices eventually just become tools that will be used periodically. 

Triggers become less intense and occur less frequently. 

Relationships completely transform and inner value and feelings of worthiness increases. 

Putting boundaries in place (and holding them) like saying No to the things you don't want to do feels easy. 

You no longer feel responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

 You can make decisions for yourself without guilt or regret afterwards. 

You stop chasing people. 

You start thinking more about what YOU want and need (in relationships, career, life in general). 

You begin to celebrate even the smallest wins you have.

You no longer need external validation - all of your validation comes from within.

Learning how to accept yourself fully is a powerful part of the self love process. You become more confident and sure of who you are because  you know and accept all of your strengths & weaknesses. Do not be afraid of the parts that you’ve been hiding away - they hold more power than you can ever imagine!