How I stopped being a People-pleaser

Being a people pleaser often feels like a noble trait—always saying yes, keeping the peace, and ensuring everyone around you is happy. But beneath the surface, people-pleasing is often rooted in fear, insecurity, and a lack of self-worth. This habit can infiltrate every aspect of your life, from your romantic relationships to your workplace dynamics, leaving you feeling drained, unappreciated, and disconnected from your true self.

We know that People-pleasing tendencies often stem from early childhood experiences or emotional wounds and mine were deeply rooted in an intense Fear of rejection & abandonment. These past experiences (from men in particular) led me to the belief that my value depends on their approval. Eventually, this seeped into all aspects of my life, impacting relationships with not just men from a romantic standpoint, but girl-friends, my co-workers and family members.

Childhood conditioning created the people pleaser within me.  When we grow up in family & early educational  environments where love or attention was conditional—based on good behavior or meeting others’ expectations— this creates the need to constantly please. I quickly learnt that disagreement leads to conflict or punishment, and so I suppressed my own feelings to keep the peace any cost. My overcompensating by putting others first, also created the deep-seeded belief that “I am not good enough” and external validation became a substitute for inner confidence, creating a reliance on others for my sense of worth. 

Once you have these belief systems its easy to attract more of the same. Our brains and bodies are constantly looking for safety in familiarity and what is “normal” to us. Its exactly what i continued to attract in all areas of my life - often doing more at work for less, convinced that someone would see my value. I felt lost often in life due to not knowing my own value by just being me, constantly seeking for something to prove. Romantic relationships were in shambles.. I gave everything and accepted less than breadcrumbs. Friends walked all over me and i was the emotional punching bag for many friends and family members. 

It was a particular unhealthy friendship that brought enough awareness to my patterns of behaviour (and hers) to finally make it clear that it wsa time for a change. Looking back, this was an incredibly toxic environment for us both and with some time to reflect on situations where I put her needs above your own, I was able to reconnect with my own needs. 

The times I said “No” were uncomfortable for me to do, but it eventually felt so freeing! 

I distinctly remember thinking “I’m going to lose all of my friends if I say No to her” and I really had to challenge my own beliefs in this moment - Whats the worst that could happen if I disappoint her and lose everyone in the process? After so much emotional abuse, the reality was far less daunting than my fears.

Turns out that I didn't lose my friends - they praised me for being brave enough to speak up- and joined me in the process!

Long term - Healing people-pleasing tendencies requires outside help. A therapist, coach, or support group can provide tools and encouragement.

Breaking free from people-pleasing is a courageous act of self-love. It allows you to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships where your needs are equally valued. Remember, it’s not selfish to prioritize your well-being—it’s necessary.

By taking small, consistent steps toward honoring your own desires, you’ll not only empower yourself but also inspire others to do the same. Healing isn’t about rejecting others; it’s about reclaiming the space to be fully, unapologetically you.