Dinner for One, please

Its funny how one conversation can change the trajectory of your life. One moment in time has the weight and power to completely shift your world in more ways than one - this moment in 2017 was one of those for me. It was the day that I said “I’m going to take your job one day” to one of the most senior managers of the company. “I believe you” was his response…

Less than 6 months later I was on a plane, relocating my life to the USA. A literal dream come true for me to have this opportunity -  a promotion I'd worked hard for. At that point I was only considering the professional experience, not the invaluable life experience i was about to gain. Relocating within the next couple of months was such a blur.. I had no idea what to expect other than spending the next couple of years away from everything i’d ever known. 

Living alone on the other side of the world had its perks.. but I could often feel lonely. As an already independent woman I had always been used to alone time and even enjoyed it, but this was next level aloneness. I didn't want feeling lonely to be the thing that i remembered when i looked back on the experience so i decided to just get out there and try new things.

My first solo date was going to the movies. I ordered a large popcorn, sat in the back row and honestly …had the best time I'd had in a long time. I wasn't the only person there alone either and for some reason that made me feel less alone. The greatest part about all of this was that even though I was by myself, I went to a movie that I wanted to see, at a time that suited ME and i didnt have to wait for anyone else.. It was just me and my big ass box of popcorn. Bliss.

I got the hang of being alone after a short while. I’d go shopping, try new restaurants for lunches and dinners, go on hikes, take road trips to new towns, sit on the beach and read or just people watch. Sunday morning walks on the beach with a coffee was my absolute favourite “me time”- it became a ritual for me and was my weekly grounding exercise. I don't think i’ll ever be able to replicate the feelings of inner peace like i had every Sunday that i walked along Santa monica beach with a coffee.  That's where i realised it was just the little things. I was filled with gratitude.

I began to really like who I was as a person. I knew that I'd done some bad things in the past - but I was beginning to learn to accept them and forgive myself (which was not easy). I liked my basic clothing style, I liked my routines I'd created, my home that I'd decorated, my overall lifestyle was everything i’d built alone- and I loved it. I’d never placed so much focus on myself, MY wants and MY needs and it was wonderful to have created this life that i loved to wake up to everyday. 

Of course I missed friends & family. I missed connection & all of the things that having your people around can provide for you… but I also learned to live without them in close proximity and to create safe connection internally, just in different ways. 

I’d created my own self care routine - and not just the typically known face mask and nail treatment - self care for me became knowing what i want and need and sticking to that. Self care became healing my emotional wounds, whilst showing myself compassion. Self care became listening to, and looking after my body. All of this was great in theory, but I also felt confident enough to be able to communicate these things and more importantly - see them through. Thats how i built trust with myself too. 

I’d never really thought about self trust before, but it made sense for me to think of this concept as it relates to the relationship with myself  and, like in any other relationship, that trust is important. I also realised through many self reflection moments, and the right journaling prompts that I had low self trust.

The lack of self trust was clear; I'd betrayed myself over and over again in so many areas of my life. This was a repeating pattern where I found myself  doing things I didn't want to do, after i’d PROMISED myself I wouldn't do them. I was also neglecting my own needs. 

Abandoning myself became a way of living - hiding from my authenticity & softening my voice, suppressing my feelings and placing everyone's needs above my own. I’d become a textbook people pleaser. 

The more time spent on my own, the less people I had to please.  I had to unlearn pleasing others before myself and with that, I learnt that the time I made for myself was more valuable and important - and i didnt feel guilty for it. I said no more often and communicated when i didnt have the mental or emotional capacity to be someone’s sounding board or container. 

It felt GOOD. 

It took practice and learning to move through the discomfort of potentially upsetting someone elses feelings, but then, like any skill to be learnt, I became comfortable with it all. I learnt to let go of the co-dependent “doormat” part of me. I wasn't upset at this part of me for she served a purpose in my life - she kept me safe and helped me to survive certain people, places and situations. I could forgive the behavior and even thank her for the part she’d played but now I moved forward more confidently as a woman with solid boundaries that were known, expressed and followed through on. 

Upon reflection of this period of my life I realised I’d freed myself in more ways than one - I  learnt to love who I am on a deeper level and am forever grateful to have had the experience.