Beginning "The Work"

I began writing years ago with the intention to serve others who may experience something similar to what I had been through, so they wouldn’t need to go at it alone. From experience, and best explained by renowned addiction expert, speaker & author Gabor Mate; feeling alone while you are in your trauma is trauma itself and can sometimes feel worse than the original event, the situation or person causing the trauma. 

Sometimes my loneliness was by conscious choice. It has been my way of protecting myself from disappointment, abandonment and rejection throughout my life. Subconsciously however, I was unaware that I had a core belief that I was not worthy of, or good enough for unconditional love and support. With these beliefs, I’d created many unhealthy patterns and behaviours including nicotine, alcohol and hyper-independence; firmly believing I could not ask anyone for help without it costing me greatly. 

I know so many people confronted with what I have been through, or worse. I have decided to share parts of my story with the hope to remind you that you are worthy, good, whole and loveable, as you are.

The process of “doing the work” is different for every individual. This is part of my process, simply aiming to be of service in some way and provide a different perspective. I will say that my “work” has been messy, because there is no set way to do this. Unfortunately there’s no instruction manual that tells you how to get from A to B, to C etc. You might go from A to F, to M and back to C again, simultaneously learning new and unlearning old patterns, habits and behaviours. It’s through this way that you are both shedding and growing, shining your brightest light on your darkest shadows, and it is by no means an effortless ride. 

What I can say is that it has been worth it. The work I did for myself has served me greatly and did so, in what would be two of the most difficult events of my life in 2020 (and no, I don’t just mean the covid-19 pandemic).  

Back in  2019, I thought that I was doing okay… I would have said I was “doing well” even. I was living in West Hollywood, CA, having moved from Australia for work, and had a pretty good idea of what I wanted for my life. I had good bearings on what I wanted to accomplish, and was fairly content with the connections I had. I always knew there was more, but figured it would all just fall into place easily at some point. 

The “work” began abruptly, with no plan, guide or manual, and no end date. It was Saturday, December 7th 2019. I had been listening to a podcast while driving home from work, featuring Rapid Transformational Therapy trainer and best-selling author, Marissa Peer. Marissa was talking about the reasons why people do not get what they want, who are not successful, who lose or never find the motivation to reach a goal, being that they don’t believe they are good enough...

"They dont believe that they're good enough"

Those few words hit me to my core.

I finally admitted to myself that I also had this belief that “I am not enough”. It felt like a giant slap in the face that would wake me up from my life-long slumber. I’d never felt so seen or exposed, and it was time to be brutally honest with myself. 

I realised on this day that I had just become used to this depressed, hurt, angry version of myself who was literally just surviving every day.. I realised I didn’t really know the person I had become, with no idea when I really lost myself. This is not to say I was a bad person, nasty or angry all of the time, but I realised I was just different to who I'd perceived myself to be all these years. 

This experience however, was needed during that certain period of my life. It had all served a purpose too. I’d earlier been taught by family, friends, society that “it’s my fault” (whatever "it" was) and, I have to be the emotional and physical punching bag; “I’m too loud” or “I’m too much” and “I’m not smart enough”. It broke my heart to learn that I’d actually internally believed it all to be true, AND I’d reinforced the message over and over throughout my life with the stories I’d been telling myself.

Relationships and friendships were exact replicas of the previous, where I allowed myself to be taken for granted, abused and used. I allowed it because I believed that’s the kind of “love” that I was worthy of. All I could do with this information was feel it, and IT HURT.

It didn't get easier from there.I have had experiences since then that shook me to my core. My life has been turned upside down & inside out, only for me to slowly piece it back together again. From realising this core belief I’d carried most my life, to facing and feeling emotional pain I’d buried & with the more recent events causing unbearable grief, shame and anger, I was now ready with enough awareness to make significant changes.

I’ll say again that it’s not the same journey for everyone, but there are a few hard truths that everyone must understand; there are no specific steps to take. 

There are No certain number of times you’ll get knocked down. 

You are not behind. 

You are not too slow. 

There’s no “correct” way to do the work. 

This all happens when you are ready, and you cannot force it. It’s likely that it's happening for you now, you may just not have the awareness of it all. 

One more thing - You cannot just quit once you start, even though you will want to. You will try to quit, but resisting change only adds to pain and suffering. The key is to let go of the gripping, allow it all to come in, moving and releasing it as it does, when it does. Eventually you will enjoy the beauty within it all. You will welcome it as it comes in and thank it as it leaves the body. You will feel that sigh of relief and be grateful for another opportunity to heal.