Becoming Secure (Attachment) Part 2

“The pattern here is that every man in your life has failed to follow through on the things they say they’ll do for you”

Things were different this time - i could feel it. I knew it was right because I resisted it so much, but only because it felt so easy. He was so different to any man I'd ever dated, communicated with, or even met in my life, and somehow I was trying to find ways to mess it up. 

It was all too familiar to self-sabotage that even after the amount of healing, the years of working through my shit, i STILL tried so hard to find reasons as to why this wasnt “it”.. But on the other hand I’d done so much inner work to get to THIS moment.. where the relationship i’d dreamt about was right in front of me.. so why is it, that all I could think of was trying to run away from it? My brain wanted to be back in my comfort zone - back to what felt familiar to me. 

This is the man who called when he said he would, went above and beyond to make me feel secure emotionally, well before there was any commitment (& from the other side of the world!). He wanted to make me feel safe without knowing that it was a non-negotiable value for me. This was easy for him - because he is a safe person. Have you met those people before? Just good souls who feel safe without them even trying? They’re generous, kind, compassionate &  empathetic without needing anything in return? That's him.

I can laugh now at the resistance I'd created for myself.  I also specifically remember feeling that this was some sort of test from the universe or something like that ONLY to show me what I should expect. THIS is the way I need to be treated and that's all it was - just a sign. I still couldn't believe that this was actually happening NOW for me.. I still had so much healing to do yet! It felt like a snippet of what COULD happen for me.

No wonder I had such a terrible opinion of men. Since birth, the men in my life had continuously failed to be who I needed them to be in order to feel safe within a man's presence. I don't believe this was intentional - for the most part - I believe they were trying their best in ways they only knew how. I also didn't really know what I needed at the time to give clear expectations. It all  made sense to me when I met him, that every man I had ever dated or been interested in, was definitely NOT for me. Everything clicked into place. It was easy. NO romantic relationship in my life had ever been easy, and I'd been told that it would never be easy.. but this was easy and still is today. We have been through hard things together but loving him and being loved by him are the easiest things in my existence. 

It wasn't just him calling when he said he would. I felt different too. All the years of working on myself, healing my inner child, my deepest core wounds had opened me up to believing that I was worthy of great love. 

His willingness to have deep, heavy and tough conversations without becoming defensive, combative or judgemental was incredibly attractive to me. Before we’d even made our relationship official, we’d discussed our deepest fears and secrets, sharing parts of ourselves that I know have never been shared so openly and fully before. This relationship cracked my psyche open and i didn't mind that he was the first to witness. I felt completely safe. 

There are a few things that make this relationship different to any other:

1. I was different. I’d moved through alot of my old hurt and all the drama i seemed to be attracted to dissipated with the old belief systems that i wasn't good enough, not worthy of the best love - the love I’d dreamt about my entire life. I knew that i was viewing relationships, men & myself through different lenses now and so this HAD to be different. 

2. Surrender and detachment. I was detached from the outcome of this relationship - knowing and believing in my worth made this possible too. I personally found this my living & experiencing life alone, away from my normal noise is where i could find my thoughts, feelings and voice (finally) and so if this didnt work out at all, then i knew i would be ok - just as happy as before i started talking to him. I was willing to walk away if it didn't feel right for me. I know he felt the same.

3. Vulnerability. I wasn't shying away from hard conversations with him. Our communication is solid and always has been. We made it clear from the very beginning that honesty and openness was important - just like consistent communication was and is still today. So, being vulnerable in our communication was the only option. This being a shared value for us made this easy - we were both a safe and non-judgemental container for eachother to speak into and be completely ourselves. Some of my best moments with Him are simply conversations we have.

I can be myself in this relationship - not who I thought he’d want me to be. To this day he tell me what he loves most about me is “just your way”. 

I never knew what “your way” meant, but I know I don't have to try.. I just am who I am and am deeply loved for it - which is how it was always meant to be.