Becoming Secure (Attachment) Part 1

 “I bet he takes advantage of me, of my kindness, just like the rest of them” Is what I had already decided when I started talking to him.

My history has shown me that it always starts out great but I know in the end, he won’t commit and I will be hurt again.  I’ll tell myself “I’m too much”, or “I’m not enough of what he wants”. I’ll spend my time trying to understand exactly what he wants in life, in a relationship because.. I want that too, right? If he’s happy, I’m happy. 

Did I pursue him even after he said he didn’t want a relationship right now? Sure did, because obviously “I’m different”.

Did I stress over him not calling or texting me back? You betcha. 

Did I jump on the roller coaster of “will he, or won’t he”? Over and over again? Yep.

Did I feel guilt and shame? Deeply. 

How about coping with the pain by abusing alcohol, overexercising and other unhealthy distractions? (I’ll just go ahead and insert more guilt & shame here, shall I?).

This has been a pattern for me for my entire dating life. I’d completely forgotten what I want, what MY needs are and found myse;f at 33 years old asking.. Who am I? What ARE my needs? I’d become something soft and mushy that could be molded and shaped depending on which man had caught my interest. 

This time felt a bit different for reasons unknown to me at the time. It was like I was witnessing it all unfold from the outside. I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it and felt like I needed to see it in real life from a distance, in order for me to really see it. 

As the situation was playing out exactly as I had predicted, I’d noted my behaviours that led me to this point once again; crying on the bathroom floor, devastated, feeling alone and hurt. I knew that I had caused myself this pain and for once I could see that it wasn’t entirely his fault. I was never mad at him because I understood that his actions match his words. He said wasn’t interested in a romantic long-term relationship with me, and he certainly acted like it. 

I made a promise to myself while laying on the bathroom floor crying, that I would not bring these neurotic behaviours with me into the next relationship. Some of these behaviours were dressing to get attention, showing (excessive) interest in his likes and dislikes, being agreeable and basically anything that I assumed would get him to notice me. If i’m being really honest.. I'd planned our whole lives together too. Where we would get engaged, our kids names etc, etc etc. (Don't even try to tell me you haven't done this at least once too). So, I vowed that I wouldn’t get into a relationship or start anything new, until I had worked through where these behaviours came from and could pivot within the narrative. I was determined, and owed it to myself to do things differently and finally learn how to show up for myself, because it was pretty clear that no one else was going to. 

A few things straight away that I had been keeping a secret, even from myself, I admitted out loud without any judgement… 

The first was that I actually really do want a secure, stable and loving relationship with a man that wants all of those things too. I’d tried to play the cool “I don’t need or want a relationship” long enough and guess what? That's EXACTLY what I was getting. I’d convinced my subconscious that I was not worthy of and therefore would not receive the love that I actually really wanted. That’s the power of thought, words & intention, folks. 

I then wrote down how I truly desired to FEEL within this new (future) relationship, rather than the physical features of this man or what job he needed to have. 

I wrote about safety; feeling safe to be myself fully, to share thoughts, feelings and experiences with this man.  I wrote about the high level of respect and understanding he would show, how I would always feel seen, heard and truly valued. I wrote how I would feel connected to him on the deepest level, through shared vulnerability, open communication and true presence. I wrote about learning from one another, even arguing well and feeling supported through challenging times. I wrote about how I would feel on our dates, how I would feel during sex and intimacy, I wrote about how I would feel in my body when I was with him. I wrote about how I wanted to feel like myself, accepted for who I am, even when I am being a bit difficult (indecisive, struggling to communicate etc) or while expressing big emotions. 

These were the things I was prepared to offer within a relationship too. I leaned into feeling these things until they were embedded into my mind and heart. 

These were my standards for both myself and my future life partner. 

It was during this exercise I realised how much I’d been selling myself short by chasing after men who absolutely could, but wouldn’t meet my bare minimum needs! I had been focussing on the could (their potential), which was only perpetuating  the “i’m not good enough” and “i’m not worthy” narratives.

I had to start showing up for myself in different ways too. I read over what I was asking for, as well as my list of feelings and knew I needed to start to feel these things within myself first. I needed to recognise what those feelings were while I was on my own so that I would recognise them again when I was with the right person. I decided I wasn’t “single” anymore – I was simply dating myself. It became the most important relationship, one which I still have today.

The first step within this process was allowing myself to have big feelings and resurface all that I had suppressed over the years. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and abandonment, narcissistic partners/friends/family members, heartbreak, loss. I wasn’t ashamed of the experiences anymore. I sat with them, witnessed them even when they hurt so much. I had no way through it but to feel them all.